pigeonhole

forgive me

for starting on a note so blunt

I, individual, am an independent. savant

i have this gruff face that may convince you I’m mean

but I really love people, as common as that seems

when it comes to relations, I’m evermore present

 

but something perturbs me about the merge

of my identity with another

an imperfect other

no matter how perfect the urge

one that only so temporarily

fulfills my ID with purpose, see

or an outside idea of seemingly purposeful.

 

i value power too much to be vulnerable

 

I’m not ready to give

not ready to leave this me behind

I choose, live

 

i choose to play it easy

although, easy is not the right

if easier means easier to control

then I choose single til the day I die

 

Opening up my mind to anything other than what I know

is dangerous for my independence, for it has been built just so

 

I never want to experience heartbreak.      i think i think I'm too good for it.

 

I don’t like being placed into what one can perceive

trust them with it

and let them have a hold on me

 

But in reality

I share parts that I want

A perception,    of me

Me

A woman who you can let be

Pursue passionately

or give me the free-dom

to not consume thoughts, distractions pointlessly

 

I've got a powerful pica that no one may touch at its prime

And I'm ok with that, because it's mine

Swiper no swiping

 

although I must keep reminding,

Time does not equate to purity

pride in avoidance does not mean free

we consistently

try to measure our characteristics

but Measuring the immeasurable does not hold tea

Numbered things weigh down your identity

 

and the weight of this pride often shadows my heart

I get drunk off its power, its selfishness art

and as much as I’d like to dare see what may be

 

my pride is too big for my curiosity.

 

independence

from which i so closely associate strength

strength is admirable

strength is familiar

it’s those extra two inches to my consolid length

 

and it’s simple

comfortability

to focus on me

although i have much complexity

its a complexity i can handle

been trying to handle

constantly influenced by things i try to control

being too influenced by people scares my soul




 

‘cause sometimes I expect more out of other people than I expect of myself

that’s the faltering aspect of dependence.

it’s often unpredictable. and that smells

we expect everyone to be more selfless than us,

because yet again, we are focused on ourselves

my own greedy sickness

 

so how can i be independent

independent of expectations

independent of fear

people, are the things that house expectations

how can i escape their sneer?

escape from myself in order to find myself

independent from me

separated from the thoughts of proving myself

proof of special self-sovereignty

 

who we are beyond us are just fragments of each other’s imaginations, informations

reflections of each other’s favored parts, tame them

 

It’s the being around people that declares my identity,

or makes me feel like I should have one, or three

it questions my uniqueness, my individuality

something about their existence pushes me

to have finite attributes

but I’m indecisive,     I may change my psyche

I don’t like knowing

that I pigeonhole myself, my showing

into better versions

sometimes I feel the realest when no one’s around

but us,

just me and myself can be very monotonous

 

everything i identify with declares my independence

builds up my ego, to make me self love and be ok in my aloneness

or maybe builds it down, so that independence is my safety net,

my protection from the lack of me

yet

i can justify this lacking by saying that independence is independently free of identity

but really all I'm doing is identifying with being uniquely,

nothing

 

what I've come to realize

is that independence is my identity,

and ironically enough, I depend on that identity.

 

but what is this identity?

Structures of situations I place on my skin

and the more I say them, the more they sink in

titles, and linkages that I choose to take

placing them gently for my unsure ego’s sake

 

They build and intertwine at my thinking mind's choice

becoming this necklace that covers my voice

shapes my voice

aids in its coo

making me say things I can never undo

A necklace I wear in elegant pride

it's regal

my life’s work

mine

But suppose as you build this structure of you

you’re surrounding yourself, your voice, with dried glue

you get yourself stuck.

in your ways

In your self

entrapping yourself within the walls of yourself

that you your self have built up

building this necklace so high and thick

that anyone that's anyone may just not stick.

or contribute a part in your beautiful all

because they do not fit within the realm of your walls

they as in people

they as in things

they as in the names of identifiable attributes

maskings


 

what if

after all of these woven

the twigs, the names

the ones you have chosen

the ones you have not

because they were enforced

and the ones you quite honestly thought you divorced

a build up of labels after all this time

so intricately threaded from the mass of your mind

What if it just broke

 

Who would I be then?

floating in a world of titled sticks and bones

naked, disconnected and alone

not alone.

Never alone.

 

who, I am

my closest friends could give you pages of my qualities,

but I just might be changing underneath,

don’t think that you know me.

i hardly know myself.

 

but a know that i do

is I’m dependent on identity

what would it look like

independent from identity

 

I am absolutely positive that this is restless overthinkin

that doesn't know when to end

but everything is without end

so does that justify my inquisition?

Man, I try convincing myself of peace

but it only comes when I give it up

I need to self love

need to change myself, develop

determinedly decide how to make my life whole

but measuring the immeasurable

numbered things, no

adding to my quantities, my percentage of bliss

turns me mad fevered

I always seem to miss

the point of the try, the need to be of

something, the source

all you need is love

a help, an ease

on this choking path’s persistence

but identity is good if it makes you feel existent

valuable

full, not lost but directioned

why these thoughts come from thin air

goes beyond comprehension

 

Every truth I can think of ties back to Him

so without pushing persuasion

know I mean not to offend

 

Every single fragment of my being is revelationized when I stabilize

myself in His words

all of my pieces and tendencies make sense

who I try to be

why I try to be independent, defenseless

am I when I realize my lacking

without him

He’s my defense, attacking

the diswants inside of myself and my world

protecting me

on this voice building journey

 

and as I stare at my layers

all my best parts are Him

this faith compels me to strive

so beyond what I’ve been

not society’s labeled rebellion towards a screwed up, suffocating perfect

but a perfect that’s selfless, giving, loving, humble, driven

these are identities that I want to wear on this necklace of mine

cause no matter the change, I want these as the roots of my vines

and i know these are words that have earthly connotations

but what I want goes beyond that, a whole new foundation


 

I’m an independent soul that’s dependent on Him

so when I rethink the question

 

 

 

 

I begin